We had holiday luncheon at work today... needless to say I had to eat something. So, I ate a little, and then proceeded to sneak off to the bathroom to purge. After I was finished, I walked out all blood shot and teary eyed and one of my coworkers was standing there. He didn't say anything. Just kinda looked at me and went about his business. He's my age, and we work in the same lab... idk. I'm just waiting for him to say something now.

My throat is sore.

I was supposed to go to Ry's tonight, but canceled on him to go to a keg party... I told him I was too tired. But I REALLY WAS too tired, and ended up falling asleep at 6pm, and sleeping until now! So I basically am not going anywhere. And its lame and sad. But at least I won't be drinking beer and freezing my ass off. I really needed the sleep anyways. I'm leaving for JAX after work tomorrow at 10:30pm! So, yeah. Gym in the morning, I'll be refreshed!

I just got home at 4am.
I lied to all of my friends and told them that I was going out to a different place with a different person... but instead went to the gym and worked out for 2 hours and then went to Ry's house to hide out, and chill. I felt so gross today, I just didn't want to go out in public.

I didn't wan to put the effort in to make me presentable. Its just too much... I'm disgusting.
I've bailed out on everybody for the last 5 days in a row... and I know I will be doing it again tomorrow! and for sure on Saturday too!

This ed is consuming my life... hopefully when its all over I'll have somebody left who will attend my funeral. I can't stop.

I had THE argument with Ry tonight. The one I have been dreading for a while now, which is why I started to distance myself in the first place (which he noticed i did). He asked me why I have been distant... and why I didn't want to be more serious with him. UGH.

I thought I had always been clear from the start. I told him time and time again that I did NOT want to be in a relationship with him... or anyone for that fact.

Why would he expect me to change?
And why would he choose to talk about it after I've had half a bottle of wine?
And why does it matter?
And why am I still awake?

i wish i would just die in my sleep already. maybe i will asphyxiate on my own vomit, and die finally. wait its all in the toilet already fml. i hate him now and i will never mess with him again.

So, I Worked yesterday, which is unusual because I usually take tuesdays off... Then I met Tiffany and went shopping. She is going through a lot rigt now, and it definitely brings me back down to earth and into reality to know that some people are having to deal with a lot more than me. She needs me right now more than ever. And I am happy to be there for her in anyway that I posibly can.

After shopping, I went to hang out with Heather. She was really down because she got stood up by this guy she was supposed to go out with. Such an ass. We played pool for a bit... I did have 2 shots of vodka, but I'm ok with that. We went back to my house and just talked about life and what not until 1 am. Then she left and I went over to Ry's. We chilled and he told me about his crazy day... pretty funny lol. Then we fell asleep for 2 hours before I had to be back up for work!

Worked 6 am- 2pm... and then 3pm-10:30pm. Crazy, I know... on very little sleep. I did drink a v8, and a protein shake today, but only because I took an adderal and i didn't want to pass out again. I was going to go to the gym at 11, but J txtd me and convinced me that a workout in bed would be a better idea tonight. So thats where I'm going now.

Another sleepless night, but it will be well worth it! And I'll just hit te gym tomorrow.
Good night!

Wow. I feel like proana is completely worhtless at the moment. IDK. I was just really freaking out and posted because I needed some kind words to help me get past the fact that I wanted to purge, and nobody was there for me. It made me feel even more alone than I already am right now, and I ended up purging anyways of course.

Its ridiculous that when I eat even a piece of tempeh and a leaf of lettuce that I feel the need to purge now. When did I get this bad? Its like I know I shouldn't feel this way about it, but I can't feel calm unless I'm empty... but the animal urge in me makes me eat something after a few days. When it happens, I feel trly worthless and like I've lost control. I wish it wasn't necessary to eat. I wish I could function on vitamins and water.

I'm just going to write in my own journal from now on about my fucked up issues... at least then I won't feel abbandoned. I'm so upset right now.

I had to talk to Matti Matt today in order to clarify some things.
I was talking to Rebecca about how I almost killed myself in a drunk driving accident a week or so ago (I passed out while driving for a second, and ran into a traffic barrel cone thingy).... and out of the blue she says, "Yeah, Matt mentioned to me that he ran into you at the gas station one night and you were really drunk. He said he offered to drive you home, but you wouldn't let him. And then you chewed him out about it the next day for letting you drive." I was SHOCKED for a second! Because as far as I'm concerned, nobody NOBODY I work with even has the slighest idea that we talk outside of work. As far as they know, we barely even TALK! So, first of all I was pissed that he spoke to her about me in general. Second, I was pissed because he almost let it slip that the night he was speaking about was the night that he called me on his way home from the bar as I was leaving a party... we MET in THAT parking lot and he did take me to HIS house! SO, he did lie to cover it, but still, he could have just NEVER MENTIONED IT to begin with!!!!!!

Work is work, and what I do in my personal life is none of their business. I kinda had a feeling this was gonna get complicated. But, yeah. I called him, and cleared some things up, and told him how I WANT things to be handled from now on.

I had a dream about Mr. B today. Its been a while since I've had a dream about him. But I have been thinking about him lately. Its weird. I doubt I'll ever be able to forget him.

In my dream, he sent me wedding invitation. The dream was baically focused on it...
I opened the envelope and there was this very intricate, personal, handcrafted invitation. It had so many really personal details about them as a couple (the girl being the girl he was seeing a few months ago). So detailed, and told a little story about them each. Anyways, in my invitation, he included a personal note from him, saying that he hoped I was well and that he thinks of me often... included his phone number and said I should call him.

It is basically one year now (give or take a few days) since we broke up.... and I still can't stop thinking about him. I wonder if he really thinks of me. I can't stop wondering what my life would be like now if I had never ended it.... if I had just stuck it out.
Obviously I still care about him.

I haven't been home in 2 days. I've been sleeping over at Ryan's house, and I must say, it has been nice. I also haven't felt pressured to eat anything in the last 2 days. Its great to stay as busy as i am so that I'm not in one place long enough for anybody to realize that I haven't eaten a meal. I did have a glass of wine last night, but I'm OK with that. I don't plan on eating today either... but I def need to start taking my vitamins again, because my hair is falling pretty bad right now and my whole body is aching.

Anyways, I'm home. Probably going to spend the rest of my day with my family, and then go to the gym. I need to get up at 5am for work, so I'm going to call it an early night!

Went to a keg party friday night and drank WAY too much. I think I got home at 4 am. Had to be at work at 10:30. Needless to say I was ridiculously hungover. And was vomiting all day. I couldn't even hold down water! So I left work early at 4:30 pm and drove home.... puked again and slept the rest of the day. That was horrible and I have vowed never to drink beer again... unless i'm only having 2-3. I dont know why I can drink a bottle of vodka and be fine but if I down nothing but beer it just kills me. And my new manager started today...it wasn't a good first impression.

Needless to say, I wasn't up to going out tonight. So my saturday was a waste. Oh well, lesson learned!

I haven't gotten on the scale since last night, but according to it at that time I gained 5 fucking lbs in 2 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is that even possible????? I want to die. I seriously cannot believe this is happening. I mean, I really didn't eat THAT much more than I usually do... I tried SO HARD! Monday, was a normal day , I ate 300 calories. Tuesday, I skipped breakfast, had an apple for lunch, and a cup of vegetable soup with 4 saltines for dinner. (still well below 1200 calories). Wednesday I skipped breakfast, had some homemade banana nut bread (I won't even begin to estimate those calories!!) and a salad at Chili's. It was a big calorie day, but MY GOD was it really THAT bad? I had to or else it would have blown my cover. This sacrifice has just fucked me up royally. I am so stressed out and really upset still. I have been thinking about it nonstop all day, and I am terrified to step on the scale again. I don't want those numbers to be real.

Its 3 am. Can't sleep of course. I'm in ATL visiting my god children.... and can't stop thinking about how many calories I have consumed since I've been here... not much by any means, but more than I normally do. I feel completely bloated, as if I've gained 10 lbs or more. Haven't been able to work out in 4 days. And I am just very stressed by it all. I haven't purged since I've been here. I'm pretty sure somebody would notice because they are all watching me like a hawk. They have been shoving food at me nonstop. Although I declined a lot, I had to eat some to ensure that no red flags are raised again.

When I get home, I am going to fast completely on water and coffee until I can't function anymore.

I've decided to be single for a while, and so I am working on breaking up with all of my guys. I might keep one around just for sex, but the rest are history. So far I've broken up with one (Foriegn Guy), pissed one off beyond repair (Chris Lucky), and COMPLETELY stopped talking to another (Danger Dave). Mr. Stetsons contacted me out of the blue the other day (its been a few months since i met him, and he got my number from a friend of mine that day), but I'm pretty sure that's not going to go anywhere.... I'll just leave it alone and save myself the drama later. I have decided to break things off with Ry, although its going to be really hard for both of us. Its for the best because I really don't want to be with him and he needs to get out there and find someone who really cares. I'm not going to talk to Jairus anymore... although we had fun.  There was this guy Drew who I have been out with a few times, but I kept blowing off plans wih him, and I think he finally gave up... hopefully! And I'm only going to talk to Matt if he calls me or initiates something first.

That still leaves me with BJ who I just want for sex and Will, who I have been with for a year in Nov. and do REALLY like.

I just don't want to feel obligated to be with anybody. And honestly, I'm tired of the time and energy it takes to keep up with everybody.
I just can't care.

Its 2 am and I just rolled up to my house. Luckily I didn't drink as much as I normally would. I'm trying to be more concious of how much I am drinking. Went to class today, and then to the gym... worked out for an hour and a half... and I'm oh so proud of myself for burning off twice as much as I consumed today... including the drinks i had tonight. Went to Finnegan's with a few friends and had a blast, they are so much fun!

Tomorrow I just plan on working. Then I'll probably go to the gym again, and then go out to the bar and hang out with Dave if everything goes as I want it to.... Leaving work around 1 to go to an old friend's memorial. She died yesterday morning, really suddenly and unexpected. I haven't actually talked to her in a while, but I had seen her out at bars quite a bit in the last few months. It's crazy how short life is, and makes you think about how fragile and temporary we really are.

I kinda feel mellow... down. And almost as if I've had a little wake up call with this Annie thing.
I need to reevaluate my life. And get my shit together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Must sleep now, have to be up for work in 2 hours and 45 minutes!

I have been sick for 2 weeks now! Started out with a sore throat and then it got better for a day or 2... but then I got a really bad cold. My throat is sore again, and I'm coughing and sneezing up a storm. I feel like shit. And I have had to lay around the house all week. No fun. No sex. No making out. No drinking til 3 in the morning. I have been bored out of my mind. I'm going to bed now.

I have a viral throat infection... all the doc gave me was some steroids to make the swelling go down. At least it hurts too bad to swallow. And that is my excuse!!! No food til Friday at least. Friday is my sister's birthday and I will be expected to attend dinner. So, 2 days that I don't have to think about having to eat... it will be nice.

Chris Lucky called me tonight. He was genuinely sad and concerned about why I haven't really hung out with him since the night we got wasted and made out forever. He REALLY likes me... as in wants to be with me. And I would just feel so horrible letting him get any closer because I'm nothing but trouble. He is too nice of a guy, and deserves someone who will actually care about him. I'm basically at a point where I don't want or need a guy except for one thing, and beyond that is just an annoyance.... although I do still expect them to care about me. That's so wrong I know. I don't want a deep meaningful relationship right now. Except with Dave... which is even more wrong because he is the only guy that is not calling me all the time, and head over heels for me. Which is probably why I want him so bad. He's totally screwing my mind up even more.

My birthday was technically yesterday, now. It was pretty lame if I do say so myself. I took the weekend off to "celebrate" with my friends. It kinda just ended up being dinner and beer at Leslie and Larry's with the babies sleeping in the other room. Don't get me wrong, I had a good time, but I'm used to more excitement... especially for a special day like my birthday. It was alright though. I got o see Laura and Liz. Leslie and Larry. Gin and Ryan. It def would have been more fun if we had gone to Kyndra and Brian's, but that just didn't work out. IDK

My actual birthday, I just worked all day, bought books for school, then went to get a flu shot. Everybody from the lab took me out to lunch.... ugh. It was a nice gesture, and I do appreciate the thought, but I just wish celebrations did not have to revolve around food. We got back and then they surprised me with ice cream cake and balloons too. I got home from my flu shot and had a specially requested birthday dinner with my family... " super tasty salad". It was like a salad bar in my kitchen. My thought was that if I must eat with everybody, at least I can make it something as low cal as possible. So yeah, we had dinner and just laughed and talked together. My sister's girlfriend was there and we whipped out the old photo boxes and had a blast making fun of ourselves!

I'm supposed to be studying for my first micro test that is tomorrow, but I can't focus at all. My throat is also extremely sore, and its hard to even swallow my own saliva. I don't feel good at all! So, I'm probably going to fail this test, and I'm super behind in lab.... I suck.

Today was a slow day. I didn't do much. Slept in, played with facebook, went to class. On tue and thur I never have time to ride my bike because I have class until 7... It sucks that it is starting to get dark earlier in the day. Hung out with Ryan for a bit after class, and then came home. I was challenged by all the guys at work that I couldn't make it there at 6am... that means they are gonna owe me a sugar free monster each!! HAHAHA! I'm gonna do it!

I'm also going to hang out with Dave tomorrow night. He seems to ginuinely miss me, and has actually made a lot of changes. I'm curious to see what he has to say to me face to face. I'm still going to be really nonchalant about it, and just pretend like I can live without him. Because face it, I can.

I rode my bike 32 miles today... it took me 3 hours, but I made it to the St. Marks River, and back. I didn't eat anything all day either, it's a miracle that I didn't pass out...although I was very dizzy for a while, and shaky when I got back to the car. I'm very proud of myself. 2000+ calories burned on nothing at all.

I was knocked out after doing a microbiology test online, until a txt msg woke me up a min ago. It was a facebook txt saying that Dave requested to be friends. I woke up really fast after reading that.... COMPLETE SHOCK. I never imagined that in a million years! Some part of me wanted to deny him, and forget about him, but I added him instead. Apparently he broke his phone on that night that pissed me off, and has yet to get a new one, and thats why I never heard from him. I really want to talk to him now that I'm not AS pissed, still annoyed, but not pissed anymore. I'm just completely shocked and surprised about it though. HE contacted ME. I could have added him a month ago, but I didn't feel the need to... and out of the blue there he is. So, yeah, I'm gonna give it a day or so and not say anything to him... then I'll msg him or something. Make sure he knows that it doesn't phase me that we are friends on there now.... let him know that I don't want him like I did before.
WAIT TIL I TELL HEATHER AND KARI ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK goodnight!

This guy who I was messing around with in may... I call him BJ... just started txting me again out of the blue. He got freaked out for some reason back then and stopped talking to me. It didn't bother me much because I never wanted anything from him except his huge cock and I had other guys lined up trying to talk to me. But now that he is back in the picture again, it makes me wonder what was up with that.... He says he was just worried because he realized how little he knows about me... blah blah blah. bullshit. I am talking to him now, and probably will for a while. But I def won't mess around with him until i feel better about the situation.... I can tell he wants me really bad though haha. We had a really good talk last night before i went out though and I enjoyed it.

I'm feeling like I have too much drama. I want to drop all of the guys I'm talking to, but then I'll be alone. And that is unthinkable. I don't know what I would do. And i don't know that I could go on without killing myself. Plus I would never get laid and I can't function without sex. Hell I want it right now, but I'm too tired to put effort into getting ready! I'm just going insane with my decisions lately.... better than i was a month ago, but still not going in a good direction. I need to not sleep with or make out with anymore random guys. No matter how much i love the attention.... no matter how good it makes me feel. I need to tell myself that they only want one thing.... even though that's usually what i want too. Its just not good for my mental state if things don't go the way i want...like they did with Dave.